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**Warning: Spoilers! **
Q: Looking back, do you wish you’d done anything differently on that fateful morning?
RJ: I try not to think of life that way; I can’t afford to now. The fact is that if I’d slept a few minutes longer or taken the subway instead of trying to hail a cab, I wouldn’t have this story to tell you and wouldn’t be the same person telling it. But I don’t know what the consequences of another path chosen might have been. Maybe I would have been pushed onto the subway tracks. Or maybe someday Justin Wheeler will find the cure for cancer; if I hadn’t saved him we would never know what he might do for the world. Maybe the universe would have found another way to drag me kicking and screaming to the truth. So, even though life as I knew it was essentially shattered that morning, I can’t say I would have done anything differently. I don’t believe in mistakes. Life is a series of choices: all we can do is be true to ourselves in each moment and face the consequences with grace.
Q. How deep were your misgivings about Jake?
RJ: Maybe not as deep as they should have been … until I started to suspect him of trying to kill me. Then I was pretty worried. Before that, my deepest feeling for Jake was pretty much lust. Frankly, the sex was white hot. That wasn’t all of it, of course. Beyond that there was a true alliance, an instant trust that I think came from things we didn’t even know we had in common … or at least I didn’t … when we met. Ultimately, I think if I hadn’t been so intensely attracted to him, I might have been more wary of who he was and what his motives were. Note to self: No more sex with possibly dangerous men.
Q. What’s your relationship with your parents like now? How’s Ace doing?
My parents and I are struggling to find a new ground, a place that is based on honesty and based on the people we are today as opposed to our fantasies of each other. This is not easy. The whole script of our lives has been rewritten and we’re each trying to figure out our new roles. A lot of the rage and pain I didn’t feel at first has surfaced and they’ve needed to deal with it. And so have I. I’m hopeful that things will get better. Some days I’m more hopeful than others.
As for Ace … well, he’s an addict whether he’s using or not. So that complicates our relationship, always has. He’s still clean, but to me he seems ready to slip away at any time. I’ve released control – better said, I have released my illusion of control over what might happen to him. We see each other once a week and talk, mostly about how unhappy he is, how much anger he carries for our parents, for Max and for me. He’s not too interested in the things that have happened to me. In fact, he’s totally self-centered. I’m sure a lot of people would call him an asshole. But what can I say? Blood or no blood, he’s my brother and I love him. The same is true of my parents.
Q. Knowing what you know now about Max, how are you recasting your memories of him? Has your new knowledge affected how you feel about those memories?
RJ: I am finding it really difficult to recast my memories of Max. Now that I know the truth, sure, everything I thought of him, every memory I have of him has been colored by that knowledge. As my uncle, he was a hero, a piggy bag ride waiting to happen. He was concert tickets and amusement parks and all-you-can-eat candy stores. Trying to place him in another role has been painful and so so sad. The last thing he said to me was, “Ridley, you might be the only good I’ve ever done.” Those words have a whole new meaning to me now. I wonder if he really meant it; I wonder if he really thought he had done right by me. And if he did think that … I don’t even know what kind of man that makes him.
Q. How do you feel about Zack and Esme today? If you could say anything to either of them, what would it be?
RJ: I can’t answer that question. Legally, I’m not able to discuss Zack or Esme. There are really no words to describe how wrecked I feel by the things they’ve done. It goes to show that we never really know anyone, not even the people we love the most. Even if I could speak to them or about them, I’m not sure what I would say.
Q. Do you still feel that Ridley is Ridley?
RJ: Of course. How could I feel any other way? There is so much distance between the person that I am today and where I came from. Until a few months ago, I didn’t even know that past existed. Much in the way I am trying to recast Max, I am also trying to recast myself. But imagine if you had to accept that everything about your life was a lie, that every one you ever knew or loved had lied to you and deceived you about your own history. How would you manage that knowledge? How would that change your self-definition? What would you change about your place in your life, your family? There’s no easy answer to these questions. I’m working on it. I’ll keep you posted.